“Fast Times at Hemcher Cup High”
“Hello everybody! I’m Stu Nahan, and I’d like you to meet this young man. His name, Chris Zucker. And Chris, congratulations to you. Things looked kind of rough out there in the 2016 Hemcher Cup Tournament.
Well, I’ll tell you Stu, I did battle some humongous teams! But you know, just like I told the guy on ABC, “Cups are my business!”
You know, a lot of people expected maybe Chris “Ten Cups” Knight or David “746” Tonsmeire would take the honors this year.
Those guys are fags!
That’s fantastic! Let me ask you a question. When you drafted three Villanova Wildcats, did you ever fear for your life?
Well Stu I’ll tell you, Cupping’s not a sport, it’s a way of life, it’s no hobby. It’s a way of looking at that draft board and saying, “Hey bud, let’s party with Nardi!”
Where’d you get this jacket?
I got this from the network. Let me ask you a question. What’s next for Chris Zucker?
Heading over to the Australian and Hawaiian internationals, and then me and Jon Spencer are going to wing on over to Amsterdam and jam with the Blues Explosion! And you guys are invited too!”
And here are the prognostications for Hemcher Cup XXV.
Sixth Place
“These are the new leads. These are the Glengarry leads. And to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for closers. I’d wish you good luck, but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it” – Blake, “Glengarry Glen Ross”
Team Lampazzi
Last Title 2014. Current Title Drought: 2 years.
Most recent five year averages: Points: 560, Draft Position: 3.0, Finish: 3.0
When you talk about throwing away the good leads you might as well be talking about Team Lampazzi. Over the eight year period between 2009 and 2016, they were given the #1 pick three times (’09, ’11, and ’13) which was the most of any team during that period. How did those good leads turn out? Let’s just say there’s a reason Team Lampazzi doesn’t drink coffee, it’s for closers only. Over those three years, they squandered the #1 drafting position into finishes of 6th, 6th, and 5th. When you consider this is a league of only six teams, you don’t have to look very high up on the sales board how many teams finished below Team Lampazzi in those years. Sadly, with the unveiling of this year’s lottery, Team Lampazzi finds itself once again with the #1 overall pick. I’m pretty sure we don’t have to wait for the sequel to Glengarry Glen Ross to figure out what they will do with it again this year. No Cadillac El Dorado or even a set of steak knives for Team Lampazzi for 2017.
Fifth Place
“You were number two, Cougar was number one. Cougar lost it—turned in his wings. You guys are number one. But you remember one thing: if you screw up just this much, you’ll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong!” – CDR Tom ‘Stinger’ Jardian, “Top Gun”
Team Gannon
Last Title 2010, Current Title Drought: 6 years.
Most recent five year averages: Points: 543, Draft Position: 3.6, Finish: 3.2
In 2015 Team Gannon suffered one of the most soul crushing Hemcher Cup loses of all time as he lost the title in the closing minutes of the championship game to Team Knight to end up with a very disappointing 2nd place finish. Even though this was the epitome of a franchise crippling loss, last year’s preview guide believed Team Gannon would use this as motivation and picked him to finish 1st. He was #2 in 2015 but we picked him to go to #1 in 2016. How did that turn out? Well, you remember what happened to Goose, right? Team Gannon fared worse than Goose did, and well, let’s just say Team Gannon chose to fly rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong instead of becoming the 2016 Hemcher Cup Top Gun as he finished in last place, 204pts out of first and was the only team that failed to put any players into the Final Four. He got caught in the jet wash from the 2015 tournament and was not able to pull out of it in 2016. Prior to 2016, Team Gannon had three straight 2nd place finishes. He won his last Championship in 2010 while drafting out of the 6th position which is the same position he has this year. So it’s not that long ago that he was flying high, but can he put the gut punch loss of 2015 and the last place finish of 2016 behind him? Maybe, but we think he stays below the hard deck again this year…Can he finish #1, we think it smells more like #2.
Fourth Place
This was Divine Intervention! You know what “divine intervention” is?
Yeah, I think so. That means God came down from Heaven and stopped the bullets.
Yeah, man, that’s what it means. That’s exactly what it means! God came down from Heaven and stopped the bullets.
I think we should be going now.
Don’t do that! Don’t you fucking do that! Don’t blow this shit off! What just happened was a fucking miracle!
Chill the fuck out, Jules, this shit happens.
Wrong! Wrong, this shit doesn’t just happen.
Do you wanna continue this theological discussion in the car, or at the jailhouse with the cops?
We should be fuckin’ dead now, my friend! We just witnessed a miracle, and I want you to fucking acknowledge it!
Okay man, it was a miracle, can we leave now?” – Vincent Vega & Jules Winfield, “Pulp Fiction”
Team Zucker
Last Title 2016, Current Title Drought: 0 years.
Most recent five year averages: Points: 477, Draft Position: 3.4, Finish: 4.6
Is there such a thing as Divine Intervention? Do miracles really happen? Before you answer, take a look at this:
| 2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015 | |
| Villanova | 2nd Rd (SMC) | 1st Rd (GMU) | NA | 1st Rd (UNC) | 2nd Rd (Uconn) | 2nd Rd (NCST) |
| Zucker | 6th | 5th | 5th | 6th | 5th | 6th |
Between 2010 and 2015, the Villanova Wildcats never got past the opening weekend of the NCAA tournament and Team Zucker never finished above 5th. During that span Team Zucker averaged 406pts a year with bookend performances of 294pts in 2010 and 405pts in 2015. Both the Cats and Zucker were floundering to say the least when it came time to dance. But then along comes 2016…. The Villanova Wildcats come into the NCAA tournament off a BET championship loss to SHU and go on to an epic title run demolishing almost everyone they played winning those six games by an average of 20.7ppg capped off with one of the most memorable buzzer beating game wining shots of all time! And Team Zucker somehow puts up 692pts which is the most by a Championship team since 2008 (Team Zucker 718pts). He would win the 2016 Hemcher Cup going away by 83pts. He took the lead after Round Two and never looked back. Where did 2016 come from? The most recent history prior to last year gave no inclination that either of these two things separately were within the realm of possibility but when you then realize that they both happened in the same year…well there’s only one possible explanation…BANG!
Third Place
“What would you do if you had a million dollars?
I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Well, not all chicks.
Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.
Good point.” – Peter Gibbons & Lawrence – “Office Space”
Team Tonsmeire
Last Title 2011. Current Title Drought: 5 years.
Most recent five year averages: Points: 482, Draft Position: 2.0, Finish: 4.6
You know who likes to double up on dudes? Team Tonsmeire. Over the history of the league no team has doubled up as many times as Tonsmeire. Don’t believe us? Since 1995, Team Tonsmeire has used the double up strategy in 18 different tournaments. And he doesn’t just stop there with simply taking two guys from one team. He sometimes takes three guys from one team (’97, ’98, ’07, & ’12). Sometimes he goes multiple double ups or triple ups like he did in ’97, ’98, ’99, ‘01, ’02, ’03, ’06, ’07, ’09, ’15 and ’16. In 1997 alone he took 3 double ups and 1 triple up which coincidentally happens to be the year he set the record for most points scored in a single tournament. Who were those 4 sets of teammates? Glad you asked. They were UNC (Jamison, Williams, Zwicker), UCLA (O’Bannon, Henderson), Kentucky (Padgett, Magliore) and Georgia (Buckner, Smith). It can be a high risk/high reward strategy. Team Tonsmeire has managed to win three titles (’97, ‘07 and ’11). Interestingly in ’97 he had 3 double ups and a triple up, in ’07 he had 2 double ups and a triple up and in ’11 he had no sets of teammates. So in two of his three titles, he has had multiple sets of teammates including a triple set and he’s gone with triples 4 different times which gives him a .500 winning percentage during the years when he triples up. So should we expect him to triple up this year? History seems to indicate it’s a winning strategy for him but we’ll just have to wait and see…mmmmkay?
Second Place
“What are you? Some kind of half-assed astronaut?
Jesus H Christ, when I was a boy, every little squirt wanted to be a harpooner or a sword fisherman. What d’ya have there – a portable shower or a monkey cage?
Anti-Shark cage.
Anti-shark cage. You go inside the cage?
Cage goes in the water, you go in the water. Shark’s in the water. Our shark.
Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we’ve received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again.” – Quint & Hooper, “Jaws”.
Team Knight
Last Title 2015. Current Title Drought: 1 year.
Most recent five year averages: Points: 585, Draft Position: 4.0, Finish: 2.2
Most Championships ever (10), only team to ever win back to back titles (twice), has never gone more than three consecutive years without winning a title, and of the seven times in history where a team has scored at least 700 total points, he has the most ever with three. No, we aren’t talking about the Dos Equis guy, we are talking about Team Knight. And with all his past achievement and proven performance why isn’t this team picked to win the title this year? Editor bias? Fan apathy? Twenty five years of shtick that doesn’t seem to get old? Truthfully the answer is that Team Knight is not being picked to win for none of those fallacious reasons. No, the reason why Team Knight is not being picked to win is, as usual, based completely on facts and evidence. For the upcoming tournament, Team Knight has received the 4th drafting position. If you are unsure of the implications of having that spot, let us remind you that in the recorded history of the Hemcher Cup, zero championships have ever won by a team starting with the 4th drafting position. When that lottery envelope was opened for Team Knight, I think very softly off in the distance, you could hear Quint singing “Farewell and Adieu” as his fate was already sealed. Team Knight might argue and tell you why he can win this year but much like Hooper trying to convince Quint that a flimsy steel cage was going to protect him from a 25-foot, 3-ton shark – we know the truth. We wish Team Knight well, but we really wish he had a bigger boat.
First Place
Owner: “Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse…“
Homer: “Ooooh, that’s bad.”
Owner: “But it comes with a free Frogurt!”
Homer: “That’s good.”
Owner: “The Frogurt is also cursed. “
Homer: “That’s bad. “
Owner: “But you get your choice of topping!”
Homer: “That’s good.”
Owner: “The toppings contains Potassium Benzoate. [Homer stares, confused] That’s bad.”
Homer: “Can I go now?
Team Poli
Last Title 2006. Current Title Drought: 10 years.
Most recent five year averages: Points: 528, Draft Position: 5.0, Finish: 3.4
I’m sure seeing Team Poli picked to win the title this year will be as confusing to most readers of this guide as potassium benzoate was to Homer Simpson, when you consider that Poli has only been able to win one single solitary championship over his tenure as a member of the Hemcher Cup. That’s bad! But from the perspective of the glass half full guy, let’s also remember that Team Poli has had the most recorded 2nd place finishes of any team in the league with six including a three year block between 2010 and 2012. That’s good! Of course 2012 was the last time he was even remotely close to the top spot as since then has had finishes of 3rd, 3rd, 4th and 5th. That’s bad! But glass half full guy will tell you that Team Poli also has had to overcome late drafting position, as his most recent average starting position over the last five years is 5.0 which is the lowest of any team during that period. That’s bad! But he has managed to finish higher than where he starts by a margin of +1.6 spots which is the 2nd best of any team during this time. That’s good! Also, the glass half full guy will point out that when he does manage to get a higher starting spot he has shown the ability to challenge for a title as evidenced by the three other times he had the 2nd drafting position (’95, ‘97’ and ’01). He managed to finish in 2nd, 2nd, and 3rd in the years when he picked 2nd, which is the very drafting position he has this year. That’s good! However, he’s never won from that position. That’s bad!
Listen, we are going to be honest with our readers, we are trying to make the case for Team Poli here but for every positive, there’s a negative, for every yin, there’s a yang, for every zig, there’s a zag, but sooner or later he has to win another one of these things right? Poli, stop dreaming about another championship and make the dream a reality, I mean he can’t wait forever…
“Talk about a dream, try to make it real, you wake up in the night, with a fear so real, you spend your life waiting, for a moment that just don’t come, well, don’t waste your time waiting…” – “Badlands” Bruce Springsteen.
As usual this guide is written for entertainment purposes only, please no wagering.
Good luck to all! And GO CATS!