After a three-year hiatus, we are proud to bring back to you the greatest Hemcher Cup Preview Guide in the world. Though it is also the only Hemcher Cup Preview Guide in the world, is irrelevant to the aforementioned claim. Where have we been? Where did we go? Why didn’t we publish for the last three years? All good questions and we are here to not only answer those questions, but to also provide you with the unmatched, top notch, expert level analysis and insight that you have become accustomed to as an extension of the greatest quasi sporting event there is.
Let’s first address the elephant in the room. Unfortunately, in 2019, there was a contract dispute between the publishers of this guide and the Office of the Commissioner of the Hemcher Cup and sadly acceptable terms could not be agreed to between the parties in time to meet the start of the 2019 NCAA Tournament. Luckily, this stalemate did not last long as both parties were ultimately able to reach a compromise in advance of the 2020 NCAA Tournament. However, due to the NDA signed between the parties I’m not allowed to reveal much other than to say that the publishers were able to get a 0.003% salary increase payable in 2022 in Russian Rubles with interest.
With this negotiation behind us, we were primed and ready for the 2020 Hemcher Cup Preview Guide, which was ready to hit newsstands with perhaps it’s greatest content ever, as there were even early whispers linking the Guide to a Pulitzer Prize. Sadly, however, much like the rest of the world, this publishing house was not immune to effects of Covid-19 and with the unprecedented cancellation of the 2020 NCAA tournament, we too made the difficult decision to not publish that guide aligning with the NCAA who did not publish their bracket. Also, much like the rest of the world, we anticipated Covid-19 to not be a long-term issue, we were confident that it would simply disappear with the warm weather as it was thought to be no worse than the common cold. It was going to be a beautiful thing, so incredibly beautiful, to get past this very slight bump in the road, but obviously this was not the case and out of an abundance of caution we decided to not publish for 2021.
Sadly, we lost two members of our research department during this time, not to Covid-19 but because they tried to drink Clorox to boost their immunity to the virus. Clearly our crack research staff, though extremely well versed in all things Hemcher, was poorly informed in regards to deadly pandemics. That’s the backstory to where we have been over the last three years and with that behind us, we turn our sights forward to Hemcher Cup XXIX.
But before we look ahead to HC XXIX, it is always prudent to remind ourselves of what happened during the prior year’s competition. The results of HC XXVIII were much like the results of many years, as Team Knight continued their domination of the league by winning the championship for the 2nd year in a row which in turn added their 12th Cup to the Summer Street Trophy Case. This Cup was not the runaway that 2019 was for Team Knight. They won the 2019 Cup by shattering the all-time single tournament scoring record of Team Tonsmeire (746 points, 1997) by scoring an unimaginable 890 points and leaving 2nd place Team Gannon some 250 points behind. For 2021, Team Knight won the Cup by a mere 21 points over Team Gannon. It’s worth noting that the winning score of just 593 points in 2021 was the first time since 2011 that the Champion did not score at least 600 points.
With that history lesson behind us, let’s finally move forward to looking at what will happen in 2022….
Fifth Place
“So, you got fired again, eh?Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?Yeah, well, I lost my job too.Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.No, none taken…” – Lloyd Christmas & Harry Dunne – “Dumb & Dumber”
Team Lampazzi, last title 2014, current title drought: 6 years.Most recent five-year averages; Points: 572, Draft Position: 3.6, Finish: 3.2
The current longest active title drought belongs to Team Lampazzi. It’s been so long since they won, that their last title was won during the Obama administration. They won that title with a bit of ease, as they put up 607 points which was 79 points ahead of 2nd place. Unfortunately, they haven’t finished above 3rd place since then, so their performance over the long term doesn’t provide much confidence that they will do much better and in fact we would expect them to do worse. Though they are picking 1st this year, that shouldn’t give them any hope, as this is the 5th time that they have picked 1st since 2009. In those previous four times in the top drafting spot, they have finished 6th, 6th, 5th, and 3rd. Maybe they should spend more time actually researching players instead of researching lame movie tie ins. Oh, and also maybe actually do take offense when someone refers to you and your team as a “pathetic loser”.
Fourth Place
“He lets the last Hungarian go. He waits until his wife and kids are in the ground and then he goes after the rest of the mob. He kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills their parents and their parents’ friends. He burns down the houses they live in and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money. And like that he was gone. Underground. Nobody has ever seen him since. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night. “Rat on your pop, and Keyser Soze will get you.” And no-one ever really believes.” – Verbal Kint – “The Usual Suspects”
Team Zucker, last title 2016, current title drought: 4 years.Most recent five-year averages; Points: 524, Draft Position: 4.2, Finish: 3.6
The history of the Hemcher Cup will always have a fondness for 2016 due to the unlikely outcomes we saw during that year. No, we aren’t talking about Donald Trump being elected president or even the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series. We are talking about the convergence of the Villanova Wildcats and Team Zucker combining to win Championships. For Villanova, it was their first Championship since 1985, for Team Zucker it was their first Championship since 2008. Though the Wildcats had been competitive since their 1985 title, we aren’t sure the same can be said for Team Zucker. After the championship of 2008, Team Zucker all but vanished from the leaderboard of the Hemcher Cup as evidenced by his annual finishes shown below from 2009 forward:
4th, 6th, 5th, 5th, 6th,5th, 6th, 1st, 2nd, 5th, 5th, 5th
Team Zucker took down a championship in 2008 then went dark until 2016. After he gets what he wants, he is seldom heard from again. Will he reappear this year? Can he win another cup? Is there a boat full of cocaine docked in the Brooklyn shipyards? Only time will tell……Poof
Third Place
“I thought you said this guy was gonna be on the plane.That’s the information we got. “That’s the information we got.” I’m gonna tell you something. I want this guy taken out, and I want him taken out fast. You and that other dummy better start getting more personally involved in your work, or I’m gonna stab you through the heart with a fucking pencil. You get the message?” – Jimmy Serrano & Tony Darvo – “Midnight Run”
Team Tonsmere, last title 2018, current title drought: 2 years.Most recent five-year averages; Points: 585, Draft Position: 2.2, Finish: 3.2
In 2021 Team Tonsmeire finished 33 points out of 1st place. In 2019 Team Tonsmeire finished 309 points out of first place. If you asked the uninformed observer to guess what position Team Tonsmeire finished in across those two years, you might get a response of 2nd and 5th but believe it or not, in both of the last two years Team Tonsmeire finished in 4th place. Both quite disappointing finishes for the 3rd most successful franchise in league history, owner of four titles, the most recent coming in 2018. So, after rising to the top in 2018 and snagging his 4th championship, Team Tonsmeire seemed poised to make a run at the Hemcher elite as he was only two titles behind Team Gannon. What happened? Where did it go wrong? Did he maybe lose interest in his work and just thought everything would run as planned? Was he relying on the information that he had and not actually putting in the effort? A closer look at the most recent performances reveals that he hasn’t been that far off. In 2021, his fourth-place finish, which was 33 points out of first was only 12 points out of 2nd and in 2019, though he was 309 pts out of first he was only 59 points out of 2nd. So, it stands to reason that though the rankings have been poor lately, the actual performance has not. Can Team Tonsmeire win it all this year? Maybe. Maybe not. Since 2009, Team Tonsmeire has drafted out of the second position four previous times, all consecutively from 2011 to 2014 with subsequent finishes of 1st, 6th, 4th, and 4th. He is drafting out of the second position this year, but obviously recent history tells us he only has a 25% chance of winning from that starting position. We will play the odds again this year and project a competitive performance but one that ultimately comes up in a distant third. This feels like a pivotal moment for Team Tonsmeire, either they get more personally involved in their team and push for title #5 or they let the Cup slip right between their fingers just like the Duke….
Second Place
“I’m gonna walk on the Moon, Marilyn.I know. I can’t believe it. And, naturally, it’s thirteen. Why thirteen?“It comes after 12, hon” – Marilyn Lovell & Jim Lovell – “Apollo 13”
Team Knight, last title 2021, current title drought: 0 years.Most recent five-year averages; Points: 645, Draft Position: 2.4, Finish: 2.0
After the championship of 2015, Team Knight went a long stretch of three years without winning a cup. This was only the 2nd time in franchise history where they went more than two years without a title. Those are lean years in Boston, but any other franchise would certainly sign today to win a cup after no more than three years. But Team Knight is unlike most other franchises in this league. In reality they share many similarities with their cross-town brothers, the New England Patriots. The two franchises have become synonymous with championships, annual excellence, forward thinking front offices, deflated balls, and sleazy massage parlor hand jobs. Ok, that was a cheap shot, Team Knight only shares four of those five items in common with the Patriots. Though this preview guide went silent for a few years, it will never be convinced that Team Knight will actually win another cup. Fair and Balanced is the basic foundation on which this guide was built, and we won’t be swayed by public sentiment, cancel culture, or a heavy-handed Commissioner to put our objectivity aside. We expect Team Knight to have a strong year and push for a 13th title but going from 12 to 13 isn’t that easy, just ask those Apollo astronauts. They were so close to the moon, just as Team Knight will be to another championship but unfortunately, we know how it will turn out for both; “Houston, we have a problem”.
First Place
“You guys were number two, Cougar was number one. Cougar lost it-turned in his wings. You guys are number one. But you remember one thing: if you screw up, just this much, you’ll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong!” – Stinger, “Top Gun”
Team Gannon, last title 2017, current title drought: 3 years.Most recent five-year averages; Points: 601, Draft Position: 3.4, Finish: 2.6
If there’s one word to describe Team Gannon over the last few years, it would most likely have to be Phrustrated, and that’s with a capital P! After winning their sixth championship in 2017, they have agonized thru three consecutive 2nd place finishes, with two of those years seeing Team Knight add two more titles and thereby widening the gap of cumulative championships won between these two titans of the Hemcher Cup. Oddly enough, there was also a similar stretch between 2013 and 2015 where Team Gannon also had three consecutive 2nd place finishes with Team Knight again winning two titles during that run. In fact, over the last twelve Hemcher Cup seasons, Team Gannon has finished in 2nd place, an amazing 7 times, with Team Knight winning championships in 5 of those 7 years. Team Gannon has been so close, yet so far away at the same time since there’s no prize for being #2 in the Hemcher Cup. After the three-year stretch between 2013 and 2015 where Team Gannon finished in 2nd place, they broke that streak by finishing in last. Based on that performance, the precedent seems to have already been set that Team Gannon should finish last this year but those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. We think Team Gannon learns from history and holds off a strong challenge from Team Knight to win its 7th Championship. Team Gannon will stay above the hard deck this time. Team Knight was #1 but we think this year they’ll lose it, and Team Gannon will be the new #1. And if they don’t win, it may not matter, since there’s just as good of a chance that Russian ICBM’s will be raining down on us over Final Four weekend anyway.
As usual this guide is written for entertainment purposes only, please no wagering.
Good luck to all! And GO CATS!
